Successful Parenting with Samantha Barkley of A Mom Around Town

Show Notes

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Kalob talks with Samantha Barkley about parenting and how to be a successful parent. Samantha is a mom to a crazy little two year old, wife of 7 years and creator of A Mom Around Town.

Enjoy!

About Samantha

Website: A Mom Around Town
Full-time Engineer
A Mom Around Town is a side hustle
Married 7 years
2.5 year-old son

Parenting: The hardest job

It requires self sacrifice
It demands so much more than some of the most difficult jobs
“It’s all kinds of hard”

Advice for starting out as a parent

Listen to yourself!
There are so many opinions and mixed messages.
“Take what works for you and leave the rest behind.”
“Be confident in yourself”

Advice for Dads

It can be easy to feel like you don’t have a role as a parent.
Get in there! Be involved in the parenting.
Make opportunities to spend time with the kids and give your spouse a break.
Both parents should work together.

Expectations vs. Reality

Reality - Expectations = Happiness
Expectations erode at the reality of situations
Things aren’t going to be perfect
High expectations set ourselves up for failure
Let your kids be kids
Don’t compare yourself to everyone you see on instagram

Comparison

It’s easy to compare your kids with other’s kids.
Comparison is part of our human nature
Recognize the comparison and that it is okay
Every kid has different gifts and talents

The Happiness Guide

Get the guide here
7 Focus Points
Each morning, use a new Happiness Guide template. Write in the date and choose ONE of the 7 Steps to Happiness to focus on for the day.
Pray
Serve
Move
Breathe
Talk
Relax
Priority

Preparing for Teens

Set the stage!
The things you do when a child is young affect how they turn out when they’re older.
Model how you want them to be.
5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman

Parenting to your kids

Every kid is different
Our job is to help our kids be successful in life
While they won’t always be happy, we need to help them progress.
Give children choices!
Let them have power and accountability
Set the boundaries and let them live where they want in the boundaries.
Decide what is non-negotiable

Discipline

The language of listening
Positive Parenting
Every kid is different
Experiment and figure out what forms of discipline your child responds to.
Make consequences logical and related to the behavior.

Give yourself grace! :)

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Full Transcript

(This transcript was created using software. Please be advised that it won't be 100% accurate, and it may contain formatting issues.)

Jacob Harmon 0:11
Welcome to success quest, become your best self and join the revolution to success. I'm Jake apartment, and today we're going to have an amazing interview that Caleb did with Samantha Barclay from a mom around town. This episode is going to be all about parenting and how to be a successful parent. But before we get there, I just wanted to thank our sponsor, Audible for sponsoring this episode of success quest. Without further ado, let's get into the interview with Caleb,

Kalob Valle 0:43
today, we have with us Samantha, Samantha and say hi to everybody.

Samantha Barkley 0:48
Hi, how's it going? everybody excited to be here.

Kalob Valle 0:51
Perfect. So I'm really excited. Samantha go ahead and tell everybody a little bit about yourself. And what it is that you're passionate

Samantha Barkley 1:00
Yeah, well, yeah, as you as you said, my name is Samantha Barkley. So I am the founder of a website called a mom around town. And it helps moms navigate through pregnancy and parenting and into a place of like peace amongst the chaos. That is my life. It's kind of my my side hustle. I have a full time job as an engineer. I've been married for seven years. I have a two and a half year old son. So that kind of enrolls all of my passions together, right? My awesome family. I love my job as an engineer, but I really kind of have a passion for helping moms in particular, because I get moms but parents overall, to really find kind of their confidence as a parent and to feel really good about what they're doing as a parent because there's a lot going on and a lot of mixed messages happening today and a lot of social media input and all of those kind of things that can really make it change. Two parents today. And so I just I really want parents to be confident in what they're doing.

Kalob Valle 2:04
As so awesome. So you guys heard correctly, we're talking about parenting today, which is so cool. I'm not exactly sure how many of our listeners are parents out there, but I think everyone has a parent. So, or not that relationship exists. Everyone has one. And so we know exactly. We can all kind of relate to this. And this is going to be so intriguing because she's been working on this now for over a year is actually doing quite well. It's fantastic. And, um, he has a two and a half year old son. I think he said, Yeah, that's right already going kind of through them. The zones. I have a 16 month old. Oh, I know exactly. These feelings of like, Am I doing it correctly? And it's funny because at the beginning, when you initially like in the hospital and you're out to have this baby, you've been told a million things right? And they're all pulling you in different directions. You're not one person telling me. Oh, you don't want to stay at the hospital any longer than a couple hours after the baby's been born. Don't really settle. Yeah, you can just go home and sleep and leave your wife there with the selfish at all. And then from that point on, you think that's the hardest part and close like every every month after that is something new and something crazy. It's tough stuff

Samantha Barkley 3:24
is it is yeah, parenting is definitely the hardest job out there because it really, it's so much self sacrifice and it demands more of you than anything else, right? Like the most challenging job. The toughest situations that you can come across parenting demands more of you because it demands you to be your best self. Because you want to like raise this child and model for this child all of the ways. You want them to be happy, right? So you have to like you have to aspire to another level that you just haven't had to do before and So yeah, it's all kinds of hard.

Kalob Valle 4:02
I love that. No, I love that. And now my first thought is okay, this is something she's super passionate about. He's been doing this for talking about this. And she has her blogs, and she has her websites. what some of like the key advice that you give to people who are starting out as parent?

Samantha Barkley 4:18
Oh, my goodness. Well, and I think I think so much of my advice is, is listen to your own self, right? Because so many people have advice, right? You're just talking about the advice about, do I stay at the hospital? Do I go home and sleep? Do I leave? You know, like, how do I manage these situations, and they just continue to grow, right? You talk about sleep training, you talk about breastfeeding versus formula. You talk about this discipline, holy cow. That's like a whole realm right of things. And you have all these mixed messages that come into you from social media, from TV from articles, you're reading from your mother in law from your friends. Friends, you know, they all have an opinion on what you're going to do. And so my best advice is to take what works for you, and leave the rest behind, right? Like, don't worry about those other opinions. Don't worry about what all of those things, say, focus on what works for you and for your family. And just do that and like, feel good about what works for you, and run with it. And just like leave the rest of it. Because when we talk about screentime, and food and all of these things, like what works for you is is totally different than what works for your neighbor and your best friend and your coworkers. Right. So like,

Kalob Valle 5:41
because like, especially for women, right, because you guys go through the craziness, you shouldn't doubt your own feeling. And yes, estimate the value of what you're you're trying to understand, you know, and there's so many outside forces, just be you. I love this advice. Just kind of follow up You're your heart in a way.

Samantha Barkley 6:02
Yeah. Yeah.

Kalob Valle 6:04
It's kind of interesting, like also applying it to this dads who are listening right now. Mm hmm. Try to be a little bit more. acknowledge those feelings a little bit more.

Samantha Barkley 6:13
Yeah, dads are in a really tough spot, especially I think in those really early days cuz the mom is kind of that first nurture, right, especially if you're breastfeeding, they're nursing all the time. Or they kind of become like that default person, because they tend to be the one who's bonded quickly right with the baby. And so dads can kind of starts to feel like they don't have a part to play or they don't know what to do. And so yeah, I definitely recommend like get in there. Take your time. I know my husband and I have kind of initiated and it took a little while for us to get to this place, but we've initiated where we each have a night, right? So Tuesday nights my night and I get to go and do my own thing. I have girls night I have Bible study. I sit on my Computer by myself and work on my business and it's amazing. And he has Thursday night and he does his stuff. And that gave him an opportunity while I'm out of the house to like kind of be on another level as a parent, right? It's different when you're both there compared to when you're by yourself. So take time early on to be by yourself as a parent and like learn what works for you. Yeah, how did that conversation look when you were looking?

Kalob Valle 7:25
You're saying man, this is difficult anytime for myself. It's sometimes it's hard to ask for time for yourself, right? You don't want to seem like the selfish spouse. That conversation look like you guys.

Samantha Barkley 7:36
Oh my goodness. Yes. So at first I will say so I have a two and a half year old it took me two years to ask for my own night right. So

right. So it took a long time. Now my husband has always had we're very active sports type of people so he's always had golf league or bowling or softball or something. So he's like always had a night that is kind of his because he's stuff going on. And so it, it actually came a conversation from him that I was out doing something and I came back and he's like, you know, Cole is my son's name calls different when it's just the two of us then when it's the three of us, right? Like he's different when we are interacting together then when you're home also, because he always go runs to mom for everything. And so he kind of actually initiated that to say, like, I need to spend some more time by myself with him. But I think On the flip side, if you're the parent that feels like, I need a little bit of a break, and I need some time I think, approaching that conversation in a way that that says Like, this is not only for me, but it's for you to we both need us and be willing to give them you know, their space as well as asking for your space.

Kalob Valle 8:49
It's that mutual benefit. You shouldn't be scared if you're deciding like, I need meat. This is really rough on me. I'm thinking back to when my wife at the beginning, we didn't know anything. Right. She was doing everything she was breastfeeding. And because I can't do that, not right, not really bad that she has a wake up every few hours and be the one to get them. I could help change the diapers such a miniscule part of the beginning of life. So if you if you are mom, and you feel like you need more time, don't be afraid, not feel selfish about it. And you both need that it just immediately comes to mind you know when happy wife happy life. I love this. So I guess just kind of progressing along the stage. We want to get me time as early on as possible. Be open about each other's feelings a little bit more. At the beginning, what are some other things we should be focusing on in those stages of just becoming a parent?

Samantha Barkley 9:42
Yeah, I think we're quickly being overwhelmed and comparing I guess, and that kind of goes along with that piece of doing being comfortable doing your own thing, right? But we get into that comparison trap of in that actually Right, actually, I just heard today somebody say, you know, reality minus expectations equals our happiness, right? And so we have the right I know, I was like, I need to write that down. So that expectation we have of how our kids going to sleep and how our kid is going to listen to us every time we tell them to do something, and how our kids going to eat and all of those things, all those expectations that we put on ourselves, and then our kids, they just are road at the reality of the situation. And they eroded our happiness, right? Because the truth is, kids aren't gonna listen every time and there's some nights where my son doesn't want to eat anything. He wants to eat ice cream for dinner, and you're like, that's not a great idea. And then it's just like things aren't going to go in this perfect, smooth way that we kind of envision parenting to look like. And so when we have these really high expectations of stuff, it just We can really kind of set ourselves up for failure and unhappiness. So if we take an approach instead of letting our kids be kids, and letting them kind of develop on their own pace and not comparing one to the other kids and not comparing them to what you see on Instagram and that kind of stuff, but just letting them on hold and be themselves and you know, everyone's still have ice cream for dinner like nobody's

Kalob Valle 11:28
not the end of the world. It's not like this advice, just throw away at the very beginning before even become a parent, throw away the whole ideal situation. Out the door. Everything you knew was garbage, it's all all going down the drain, you're going to have to adapt this be ready for change, and I think applies almost everywhere in life. Right, but especially with parenthood because it can be one of the biggest stressors in your life. Absolutely. Especially if you're a stay at home parent. And when your spouse comes home and is like what you do today, you know, make sure the kid didn't die. That's all my shine. And we shouldn't feel bad about

Samantha Barkley 12:06
Right, exactly

Kalob Valle 12:07
where that ideal situation out the door, and it's so easy to compare. Oh my gosh, I love this. How do you avoid comparing? Because I feel like that's almost inevitable.

Samantha Barkley 12:17
Oh my goodness, that's a really great question. Um, I think like you said it is impossible to avoid, right? Because it's just like this natural reaction of like, Wait your kids doing that and my kids not like you immediately you kind of jumped on this rabbit hole of like, Am I doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with him? Is that you know, and all of a sudden you're like, should I yeah, Mind blown Exactly. like should I be doing these crazy? I don't know. XYZ. I have a really good friend and her little girl is just a few months older and she like memorize his books. Like it's amazing. And I'm like, doesn't do that. Like Should we? Should I be asking them like, like, that's just silly. Like that's just her personality and his personality, right? So I think it's inevitable because it's like it's a bit how we're wired, right? Like grass is always greener type of mentality of like, and, and that anxiety of like, Am I doing this right? We constantly are are faced with that comparison. So, I think it's more just recognizing it and like just seeing it like, oh, like, Nope, that's okay. It's okay that they're different. It's okay. But there are 11 pounds, it's okay that she can read the encyclopedia, and my kid doesn't know, you know, the grasshopper book, but the, that's okay. Because Because my kid has different gifts and talents. And I'm focusing instead on those like positive things, instead of like seeing all of these negative things in that comparison. Yeah.

Kalob Valle 13:48
Just realize, you know, he's healthy. Yeah, yeah. kid is healthy and growing strong and will be able to develop their talents along. Maybe some kids are doing crazy things already. doesn't have much. Yeah. You know, the most important thing is happiness of the channel and the family.

Samantha Barkley 14:04
Yeah, very sad. And that's definitely easier said than done. Don't get me wrong.

Kalob Valle 14:07
Oh, my gosh,

this is this is a walk in the park. Yeah, yeah, actually living

Samantha Barkley 14:13
Yes, but recognizing it was definitely the first step. So, yes.

Jacob Harmon 14:19
Hey questers hope you're enjoying the interview with Samantha. I know I am. It's got a lot of great tips for parents. I just wanted to take a quick break and let you know about this show sponsor. This episode of success quest is sponsored by Audible. Audible is an audio book company. It gives you the opportunity to listen to just about any book. And personally I like listening to books. It saves me a lot of time because I'm able to read while I'm doing the dishes or driving in the car. It allows me to multitask. I find it hard to find time to sit down and actually read a book. With audible you'll be able to read just about book out there, and it will really help you on your journey to success. With our link, you'll be able to get one free audio book and two free audible originals with your one month trial of audible. Just go to my success quest comm slash audible to get your free audio book today.

Kalob Valle 15:20
Yeah, let's talk about that for a little bit because it's definitely easier said than done to reconcile with yourself, put your take yourself out of the box for a little bit and analyze it and figure out your the right way to do things. What makes it easier for you to be able to recognize those things in those moments. How do you how do you catch yourself in those moments? Those are hard.

Samantha Barkley 15:41
Yeah. Yeah, I think it's, it's, it's kind of centering yourself a little bit and like I can give some preparing yourself to like face the day type of things. So I use something I call it the happiness guide. It's something that actually have free and available for your listeners. I'd love to give them a copy of it.

Kalob Valle 16:01
requestors she's giving out free stuff today. What the heck? Yeah.

Samantha Barkley 16:05
Yeah. It's very simple. It's got like seven focus points. So depending on what's going on in your day, how your week spend, you can kind of pick one of those simple focus points. And like make that kind of your, your mantra, I guess for the day or your intention for the day is maybe an easier way to say that one of them's brief, which is one of my favorite ones, because it's so simple and we do it all the time. Right? But when your focus for the day is like, I'm going to take a deep breath, like when I'm frustrated when I'm upset when oh my gosh, this kid will not put your shoes on, like whatever it is, that's going on. Take a deep breath and like just breathe for a second. You know, if you're really struggling maybe it's you're in the be shut the door to the bathroom and you breathe for a few minutes and you just like pause and are quiet and can then like regroup in yourself. That makes the biggest difference, right? So, so I have these seven different little, they're just little focus points and they have different ways you can use them kind of depending on what's going on. And it gives you that like focus point for the day to be able to kind of set your intention and and to set you up for success so that you're not diving all over the place, right? So you're not kind of like chicken with your head cut off. And the more you use them, the more they just become part of your everyday and and part of your norm to be able to breathe and take a second there's Oh, gosh, one of them's talk, like find somebody when something's rough, and something's driving you nuts or something's really great. And you have to share it, like, reach out and talk to somebody about it. So they're just little reminders of things that we we already know we need to do, but we forget because the logistics of life can overwhelm us so.

Kalob Valle 17:53
So at the moment, yes, yeah. Remember those things? But I like what you're saying here. You you've created Guide. That is obviously a very simple, right. But I would encourage all of my listeners to go and collect your free copy of this guide I've looked over, it's actually pretty impressive. And it's super simple. Every day, if you're if you, especially if you find that this is something difficult for you, you're so stressed out being a mom, and so difficult and you're not exactly you know what you need to do. You can't bring yourself to do it in the heat of the moment. This is a perfect way to learn that and to adapt and change. download your copy of this happiness guide and make it something you do in the morning. There is serious about this when you when you morning and the first thing you do is something positive. It will affect your entire day of going straight to Instagram and Facebook. So make this something a part of your day if you want to be living a more stress free life. Oh yeah, absolutely.

Samantha Barkley 18:53
I know from as you mentioned, from like a business standpoint, talk a lot about writing down your goals and setting your intentions. And, you know, your your to do list in your priorities and those kind of things. And this is, sometimes some of those things can be overwhelming and parenting, right. And so this is a really easy way to apply a strategy, like you said, that works really well for business, but to something that is so simple and so quick and easy that it can, it can set you off. And I think it gives you a sense of accomplishment in it, which in parenting can be hard to come by it every day. Right and so this little thing, like I did this today, I stopped and took a deep breath and kind of congratulating yourself and celebrating a little bit and then like that little by little you start to build that confidence and build that like self awareness and self. Yeah, I guess confidence and confidence in it. And that translates to your kids right and how you talk to them and how they see you and all of that so yeah, so yeah, download it it's a bit dot Lee forward slash happy guide. Perfect.

Kalob Valle 20:00
And I'm going to put those in the show notes. Afterwards even visit our website, we'll put it up there for a little bit will be easy. And I think people think all the time, it's so easy because like to throw away the confidence and it's okay to live with low self esteem. Could you do it for so long? And I will say that this kind of stuff applies to whatever stage in motherhood you are. If you have, you're just a new mother, or you are a mother of, you know, seven, and they're all graduated from high. All these things still apply. Read and being able to Vance about because you're still worried about your kids, no matter where they are. I'm actually just starting to think about teenagers. I was like, man, do you ever talking to you? You haven't even reached that stage right now? Not yet. Have you ever talked to people about those stages and in the difference between having a teenager versus a toddler, what are the things that we should be expecting?

Samantha Barkley 20:55
My goodness, yeah, well, and I think we we have set the stage Right. So I think that's one of the parts that's really can be overwhelming about having a baby and a toddler and a, you know preschooler age is I continue to remember like, I'm setting him up for teenage years, like, we are building foundations right now. And that can feel like, Oh my gosh, am I doing this right in my head, my ruining him forever type of thing. But that, I think right now, if we're modeling the kind of behavior for our kids that we want to see from them that gratitude, service, empathy, you know, those kind of things that's going and talking to them and keeping those like open lines of communication now, it's just going to grow into the teenage years, which I think are notoriously difficult for teenagers.

Kalob Valle 21:53
Isn't that across the board every teenager teenagers are would they eat, how much they cost and all the pain and suffering Remembering,

Samantha Barkley 22:01
yes, that's what I hear. But yeah, we'll see when we get there, but I think, like, if we can really like set a good foundation now with your kids being younger, you kind of set yourself up for success later. So, or at least in yourself, if you've kind of built to yourself some of these tools, and you can, you know, you're practicing patience now and you're practicing kind of all of these things, then it will serve you well, no matter how your kids doing. So

Kalob Valle 22:32
it's fantastic. It's funny, I actually was reminded of a book that I read at the beginning my marriage and I thought after I read it, I was like this applies to I'm going to be doing with my kids. Have you ever read on five love languages?

Samantha Barkley 22:44
Yes, my gosh.

Kalob Valle 22:46
And we're talking about that book for a second. That's amazing. Yeah, gosh, I think I'm what I love about that and we don't have to talk about today. I really love this book. I want to moms out there. how cool it is because man, if you have Teenagers are your kids are growing, my best suggestion would be to read this book and learn what the love language of your it's all, as, as some kids, you don't know how to give them the right type of love. And that's what this book is all about. He describes that everyone falls under five categories of love language, and that's how you feel the most love. And one of them is words of affirmation or all of the time. And I love that because after I read it with my wife, I found that one of my lovely my strongest love language was words of affirmation. I was like, Whoa, Where'd that come from? Well, it's me. And I see that my life now it's like, when people give me credit, it makes me feel so good. And when they say all these things, or I love you, it makes me feel I wouldn't feel my love take one and gifts and stuff like that. Which is important because if you have a kid who has that specific love language, and you aren't giving them those words affirmation. It could be detrimental. Yeah, they grow up with your relationship. So I would suggest go ahead and read that book of five love languages. I always forget the man who wrote it. It's it's something Chapman. I don't quote me because I've, I could look it up right now. So I'll put it in the show notes. That's the best thing I'll do.

Samantha Barkley 24:19
No, no, it's it's easy to get there. Yeah, I totally agree. But yes, and that's such a great idea to really kind of understand our kids and be able to parent to them, right. And if you're multiple kids, they're each different and how you approach them how you discipline, how you show love, how you teach them different lessons, is going to show up exactly and how they receive love and different messages how they understand the world so we have to tailor ourselves to fit them.

Kalob Valle 24:49
Yeah. Another thing you said I kind of fun, interesting and kind of brought up another question. When you said parents of them, right because parents into your kids, your kids don't know How to take care of themselves. Right or it's they would think that's plenty of things you have look maybe kind of like will change your own diaper things. I'd be fantastic. But no, you have to change their diaper. You have to do everything for them. And so my question is, I feel like a lot of people also want to please their kid, you know, and I feel like can kind of be a conflict. panting it can be more stressful because, like when you were saying before, my kid wants ice cream for dinner. It's like, man, he's crying a lot. Want to make him feel okay. And you said before, like, maybe it's okay sometimes give him but like, What if he's doing it every night? How do I deal with that? Yeah, it's got to be difficult. I know. People are probably suffering with that. What What would you What would your advice?

Samantha Barkley 25:45
Yeah. Oh my goodness. Especially as a people pleaser, right? Like I'm such a I'm the teacher's pet right? Like that was school for sure. I am a people pleaser. And so the idea of disciplining my child like breaks my heart right But our job is to help them to be successful in life. Right? So that includes being healthy that includes being and being empathetic and understanding, like how they're impacting other people. There's so many how to, like, how to delay gratification, you know, those are some of the lessons that they have to learn in order to be successful as, as adults. And so, with that in mind, we are we're not, we're not pleasing them in the moment. But we're teaching them lessons that are far better than that. And, and some of those lessons needed include, like, Mom is in charge right now. And mom says it's time to take a bath. And so that's what we're going to do. But after bathtime you can choose what to do and looking we can do what you want to do, right. So I think there's a lot of we have to give our kids some power, right, like we have to let them rule over their domain a little bit. And those can be simple things like, we're, we have to change your diaper now. But you get to pick which toy we get to bring into the changing table or whatever it might be giving them a little bit of power and their choice, even though it's framed within your direction. I think that's the best.

Kalob Valle 27:21
Yeah, I think that's fantastic. This is this is fantastic advice. Because at the end of the day, you don't want to treat your family like a business, right? You're not the boss and like you're the employee. And so you do everything I say and like there's no power given to all. Emily unit. And so you need to be the leader. Right? We need to teach them how to become their own leader on the west.

Samantha Barkley 27:45
Yes, you have to set the boundaries and let them live wherever they want within those boundaries. Right. So that's, that's part of the part of that advice. Yeah, I read that in a book and I was like, that's exactly it and setting those boundaries is difficult. And I do think But there are times when it's okay to break them. And it's okay to give them that little sense of, I feel like that's a little rebellious that ice cream for dinner is the perfect example like, like every once in a while, like it's okay to break your rule and to eat dinner on the, on the couch and watch TV like that's, it's okay to kind of, like have a little fun with that. And kind of then teach them like to bring it back to every day and do some, you know, like the discipline actions that we live within our boundaries.

Kalob Valle 28:30
So what's a good What's another good example about setting boundaries? Like what's another way that we could do that? So just so our listeners can get another idea how we can do that?

Samantha Barkley 28:41
Yeah. Well, I think understanding what for you is kind of non negotiable. So this was something that my husband and I had to have a conversation on, like what is really important to you that we enact in our household especially because people have different backgrounds. People grew up different ways. You and your husband are you and your wife. How different outlook on what is appropriate, what's not. And so have those conversations with your spouse. First off, one of them for my husband is not having our toddler sleep in bed with us. And that to me, like, I don't mind, morning snuggles, I don't mind the morning. But for him that like really disrupts him and is really something that bothers him. So we have to like set a boundary around that. And what we have is a nighttime clock, and it is red when it's time for him to stay in bed. And when it turns green, it's okay for him to get up and come into bed with us. So that is a good like boundary that we've set and we've trained him in the rules of that. Now on the weekends, right is kind of our little wiggle room and he can pop in and we'll watch a movie. He can watch a movie while we're still sleeping. Yeah, so I think having those conversations, and like what really in your house is kind of like that non negotiable. What's really Like, gets under your skin and those kind of things like those are what you need to set as your boundaries, and then let the rest of it go, the stuff that you feel like is just the rules that you're supposed to have. It's okay to let those go if they're not something that's actually important to you. So I like that.

Kalob Valle 30:19
Yeah, establish really quickly exactly what's non negotiable. Like you were saying, I love that. And then you can kind of get along the way, I'm sure. Like, really just don't stress over every little thing, you know, figure out exactly what's the most important to you. And I love how we keep going back to this communication with your spouse because it's, it's so important to remember that you are a team. Team unit is so difficult to have just one errands, doing it all. You know, that should not be how it is guys. 2019 right. Like we need to be working together. So I love that and it kind of brings me to now like one discussion that's probably the most difficult for all parents have, which is about discipline, right? And you kind of had mentioned that a little bit here and there in the podcast so far. It's funny, cuz my wife and I have this discussion every now and then. Because he's still young, like, we don't have a lot of huge discipline, like, it's, like, I grew up on where I was spanked, and things like that, and we got rough, and, you know, pull that kind of stuff. And my wife grew up, where it was much just talking for hours, you know, like, that's actually down. It was just a discussion and you took out your notebook. Right? Wow. So different. So different. How do we compromise and it's not that I want to just like hit my child, you know, but I also feel like there's something behind that. Am I crazy? Or like, because I want to know this. This is important stuff. What is your advice? Oh, disciplining your kid because you see that everywhere to that's a political thing that's going on right now to

Samantha Barkley 31:58
Yeah, for sure. Well, I think One, I think there's some really fantastic resources out there. Like, like the language of listening, and positive parenting and stuff like that, that really, like actually have psychology and Child Development specialists behind them more so than just my, you know, two and a half year old kid opinion. But so there, there are some really great resources out there to help help guide you and discipline. But I'm going to come back to your kid is your kid, right? And they are your first kids different than your second kid. And you're 30 you know, and so one of them is going to respond to spanking and the other one is not one of them's going to just be devastated by the fact that you're disappointed in them. And the other one is going to run rampant. Right. And so yeah, yeah. And so you have to approach depending on what is going to make the biggest impact on your kids. So our two and a half year old went through a biting and hitting phase which oh my gosh, I thought it was never going to end. And there was definitely an there's been a couple instances where I was like, I have to spank you, like I've told you to stop, you won't stop timeouts or doing nothing like you have to be spanked. And I recognize, like, for him that was not going to be a disciplined method that was going to work because he immediately was like, you're hitting me, I'm hitting you, like, you know, like he was that was just not something that was getting through to him as a method that was working. And when we instead turn to much more of like, appealing to the empathy almost and really like oh my gosh, you hurt me and oh, mommy so hurt and she needs I said, I can't play anymore because I'm too hurt and like those kind of, you know, like really making them understand how much his actions are impacting people around him. That really made an impact and really like I can't hit somebody, I think I'm sad, you know, and so recognizing and it's okay to try different things you're, you know, you're not ruining your kid by trying timeouts. And then the next time trying something else, but when you find what works, like, be consistent with it for sure. And set those have those conversations and even when they're little I think kids understand more than we give them credit for having having those conversations with them about this is my expectation. When you don't follow through with this expectations, there's going to be a consequence, and this is the consequence, and making those consequences. very logical, right? It doesn't make sense to take away their favorite toy when what they did was totally unrelated to the toy, right? Right. Instead, if they're throwing food, oh, we're all done eating because you're throwing food that Oh, you can't go you know, watch TV because we're throwing food or whatever. So making the consequence very natural and logical. And then really, it comes back to understanding your Child, which I know it's not the easiest thing, but having

Kalob Valle 35:03
this awareness because that's difficult, but yeah, really you have you have to try developing it. Yeah. But like he was saying, don't just, if you find one discipline that works one kid, it's not gonna work for you, but don't get super stuck on it and then frustrated because it's not working. You have to have this self awareness of yourself and child and figure out what's gonna work best. I think one of my favorite methods is when you get down to that level, like literally you start kneeling down in the eye and just, Hey, I don't understand exactly what's going on. You're hitting added on, like, you know, I can feel that it's amazing. How much does it need to really be said, for a child to feel exactly what the parents feeling and for the vibe of the room just completely changed. I also remember needing to be the kid who needed spanking every now and I remember a story. I went to the great grocery stores my dad, and it was just me and him. I think it was like four, maybe five. But we were going to the grocery store and I just decided I was hungry, rather than right off the shelf and just start eating it. ate the entire Apple my dad never knew. And we walked out of the store and I had the core we never paid for it. And I threw under the truck and my dad heard it. And he was like, What did you just like, oh, he looks under. He goes over and gives me a good spanking. And we go inside and had to apologize and we paid for that siedel apple. I already and that was a life lesson. Here I am. 25 never forgot that. That's what stole another apple from another. lesson here is to open yourself up to different types of disciplines. Figure out your child and that's a long process. You're going to have to discipline yourself to really focus and hone in on what it is your child and needs are. So my biggest advice, download the happiness guide. And so, moms stay at home dads, everybody, all parents take this advice that we've learned from Samantha she's been incredible. Samantha, how can we follow you more?

Samantha Barkley 37:16
Yeah, you can. My websites, a mom around town calm and you can find me on Facebook at a mom around town or Instagram at a mom around town. STL. So I'm a live in St. Louis. So that's what that's where it started, but certainly applicable to parents. I'll cross country all across the world. A

Kalob Valle 37:33
little bit. A little bit too much. I love to the it's called a mom around town. It's just you know, casual. Like I'm just a mom around town. Fantastic. I love it. So go go visit her go follow her. She's She's fantastic. Thank you so much, Samantha for being on the podcast with us. This has been an awesome episode. Is there anything you would like to last minute advice or anything you'd like to share with our listeners?

Samantha Barkley 37:56
Oh, you know what last thing I'll say is give her Self grace. It's a hard thing parenting is and you are going to make mistakes. And it's not always going to go perfectly and you got to give yourself a little bit of grace, and just start the next day.

Kalob Valle 38:13
Well, thank you so much, Samantha and thank you guys for listening. questers This has been an awesome episode. I hope you guys have a successful day. My only thing I would ask you to do is to make sure to follow us on Facebook. We need as many people to participate on there as possible. We're going to start doing giveaways and it's just going to be so big. We want you guys to be part of it. So go and like our Facebook

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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SuccessQuest Podcast